This is supposedly fish pizza. What kind of fish? Intestine fish, apparently.
I love apples. Mmm-MMMH! I like ‘em raw, cooked, in pies and even coveed in artificial caramel goop and served on a stick. But there’s one place I never expected to find an apple, and now that I have, I may never fully trust them again. That place, friends, is on top of a pizza. Especially a maple syrup-soaked monstrosity claiming to be “New England Style” pizza.
Take it from me, you poor confused wretch. You’re not pizza. And if you’re honest with yourself and take a good long look in the mirror, you’ll realize that you don’t really want to be pizza. No, my little friend, what you want to be is a pancake.
See? Now, don’t cry. We all get a little confused sometimes.
Hey, if you want to kill yourself with food, that’s your call. But don’t design a massive red-meat-and-cholesterol sandwich and try to get away with calling it pizza. Pizza doesn’t kill. Well, yeah eat a whole one every day for thirty years and it might kill you. But this thing? Even the smell of it could snuff you out like a candle. But that’s what you want, isn’t it? Isn’t it?
So when that vein in your head pops, and you’re slipping away into beef tallow-infused oblivion, just try to remember one thing: Pizza didn’t do this. You did this.
No.
Look, I’ve eaten Hawaiian pizza. It’s not really pizza, but it can be tasty. I get the whole ham and pineapple thing. But that’s ham, usually cut up into bite-size chunks. But you’re showing me some big wet-looking slabs of I don’t even know what the fuck, nestled among some randomly-distributed bits of tired pineapple that look like they’re glued to the cheese. If that’s even cheese.
I’m going to walk away from you now, because if I don’t I’m going to slap you for showing me this… this… thing.
Burgers don’t go on pizza. Ditto fries, and oh my fucking god are those Mcnuggets? Look, none of that shit goes on pizza. I don’t know how that shit even got on a pizza. Did a freak earthquake shake some McDonald’s food out of a bag into a pizza oven?
Even if that’s what happened, you don’t fucking serve it up for dinner. You toss that shit out and start over. Because burgers don’t fucking belong on pizza.
There is such a thing as bad pizza.